It's maturity that I'm lacking.

I am officially two decades old. Wow. That thought was once so enticing however it lost its luster, now it remains just the opposite, lackluster. I'm not sure that I'm satisfied with the past twenty years of my life.. I just am not sure of what to do differently. I am one of the people that should know not to expect different conclusions from the same exact experiment. I should know that by doing what I usually do, I won't get different results. It just won't happen. It won't. That notion is extremely hard to swallow for me. However, I know I am not the same that I was when I just entered my " teens " , now that I am exiting my " teens " , I think I can honestly say that those were some of the most interesting years of my life. None of them included drugs or alcohol, unlike my peers, I only smoked/ drank when prompted. I never voluntarily bought my own substances, or became addicted to anything other than nicotine. And that, my friend, is incredibly addicting, if cocaine is more addicting than this shit, I don't ever want to be in the same room as it. I can barely afford nicotine let alone cocaine, damn. Like really, how do people afford that shit. Oh wait, they don't. They are held captive by a drug. And I'M the person to watch out for, oh yeah, the girl with a regular part time job, the relatively happy girl is the one to watch out for. Not the crazy crack guy running around with scooby snacks in his teeth and a spoon and pipe hanging out of his coat jacket. No, not him, me. Of course, because that's how this world is run. Well, one day, that won't have to be the case. I'll make a change, whether it is noticed by the world is irrelevant, I'll make a change noticeable to others around me. Because that is enough for me. If the people around me notice it, and they change to fit my standards, then look at that , everyone around them changes, and before you know it, the world is changed. With one simple notion, the world is changed. Of course, many different variations, as with religion and other unappetizing subjects for the dinner table. 

In other news, I had an amazing night with Love. He's such an awesome guy, I love him so much, and I know we can go the distance. I am perfectly happy remaining the way I am, as long as I'm with him forever. That's all I want out of this life, to be with him, forever. For him to remain faithful, for me to remain faithful, for us to remain together. I want to be with Love for the rest of our lives, together, forever. My world wouldn't be as bright if his eyes weren't here to sparkle and shed light on it.

I can't believe that I'm twenty. I really can't, It feels like yesterday that I was only turning 13, and everyone was raptured by it, everyone was under my spell. Now that that is wearing off, I am just another face to be spoken to as an adult. For I am one now, no longer shall I be seated at the child's table. Even though the attendance at any type of occasion that would require that seating has dissolved down to the people that can possibly squeeze their own family into their schedule. I won't forget my own family on such occasions. I love them, and they simply cannot be replaced. Nope. No one is as funny as my Aunt when she smokes a bullet or my Grandma with her italian " ehhh " at the end of every sentence she delivers. No one can replace them, or my love and affection for my father, for his is truly one of a kind. Nor my mother or my sister, they are some of the strongest women I have the honor of being related to. 

Well, tis time for me to sleep for the first time in my twentieth year. Goodnight, world. I'll see you when the light covers the kingdom once again. 

<3 

Nobody said this was going to be easy.

Well, this is the first time I have blogged in a very long time. I am a changed person since those days, thank God. I'm going to assume that you'd like a reason for why I am a changed person since aforementioned days, here tis;
- Not only am I dating someone, I am maddeningly in love with my companion. For his protection, seeing as I don't know who is reading/following me, he shall remain nameless, referred to as Love. 
- I have a job, for now. It is rewarding work, in a way I suppose. I am an originator at a mortgage company. Basically, the bottom of the food chain. Exciting, I know. 
- My father has almost entirely relinquished his secondary mode of transportation to me, other than nasty weather. 


Now that you're up to speed, I've been the happiest person in the world since I started dating Love. He's really an amazing guy, I'm such a lucky girl. He's a lucky guy for having me as well. My life has begun showing signs of an upward climb. Getting better, I can only hope. I know for an almost certainty that I will never be single again, & I am overwhelmingly content with said information. Love is so amazing, his bed is my little piece of heaven, not in a perverted way ( although that is also true ;) ) but it is there when I need it, when I feel the world has failed me, failed us. That the fates have looked down upon us & spit in our eyes, stomping on our backs when we fall. He is always there to catch me when I take my fall from grace. He puts me right back where I belong, on my feet. 
To be specific on why I am so happy with him, Love is not my ex. Who will also, for his protection, be referred to as Hate. Hate was a.. hm.. lets see, he was everything Love is not. Hence why his alias was chosen as so. He was just a flat out terrible person, looking back on our relationship. I wish I could have seen him in the light that I see him now, then. It would have greatly affected my decision when he asked me that lethal question; " Do you want to be my girlfriend? " I couldn't have known I was almost literally issuing a hit on my heart. Enough about Hate, though. I don't like talking about Hate, only when I feel he is relevant, which is never. Let's talk more about Love :) 
I am an incredibly diverse person, just switched from Christina Aguilera to Tupac. Talk about diversity, Jesus. Lol. 
I also have a diagnosed case of ADD, as you can most likely ascertain from this passage. I was just thinking about changes, they are inevitable. But, if you try, they don't have to hold a negative affect on your existence. Think of it like this, if you smile instead of cry, if you laugh instead of scream, admit your failure instead of ignore it, you might be a better person. Only time well tell, in all cases. Wounds heal, tears dry, even smiles fade. The clocking ticking your life away will be the only thing you got going for you before you know it. 
I love Sublime. I could so easily blend into the beach life. I would love to lay on a beach ( under an umbrella I'm whiter than the clouds ) forever, with Love right next to me. 


Well, I'll leave you with that romantic thought until next time. Enjoy :)